T Minus One Week

It is one week until I officially leave on my three month sabbatical beginning on August 1. Part of me is really excited for the time away from full-time ministry to rest and rediscover who I am in my relationship with Jesus. As I have said previously, I am also a little bit ambivalent. I've been at my present church for eight years and I'm going to miss my church family, and to be honest I'm going to miss the regular pattern of my life. I am nervous that I will not accomplish what I want to accomplish in my time away. I am worried that I might be bored out of my mind. I am concerned that I will waste the privilege that my church has given me in this time away and not be a good steward of this gift.

Of course I have plans for times away and projects I want to accomplish. I even have some things that I want to try to see if they take root. Yet, even with all the planning I am a little bit uncertain which is quite surprising tome because my regular schedule is often uncertain. I do have a regular schedule to my normal week but there are often things that pop up that changed my priorities for the week. A pastor's life is one of uncertainty, change and urgency. So. I am familiar with this feeling but this 'sabbatical uncertainty' is a liitle different because I am entering a time of rest that I haven't had for 40 years.

So I've been focusing recently on the words of Isaiah:

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isa 26:3

Meditating on this verse has been an eye-opener for me. Even before leaving for sabbatical, God is teaching some things about myself. When I am doing ministry, more often than not, I have peace. I trust God to work through me to guide and teach the people God has entrusted to me. This is a no-brainer. I've been doing that sort of ministry for most of my life. If I didn't trust God to work through me, then I would probably resign. So as I try to understand why I have this feeling of uncertainty as I approach sabbatical, maybe the reason is I trust God for my ministry, but I'm not trusting God for....me. Maybe one of the things that pastors need to look for is the propensity to get so caught up in what they do and therefore tie their personal faith to their ministry, but not their personal faith to everyday life.

Does my personal faith enable me to trust that my time away will accomplish everything God wants to accomplish in me even if MY goals are not reached, even if I am bored sometimes, even if God rearranges things so that I steward this time in a way different than I planned?

Here's wnat I have discovered about myself. I am fine with the uncertainity I am certain about (that is, the uncertainty of ministry that I am in control of). On the other hand, I need to develop faith in the uncertainty that I can't control. I know that might not make sense. How can you control uncertainty? I control it with familiarity. I am used to certain things happening at random. I am used to the crises. I am used to the things that surround everyday small church ministry. I am certain I can handle it because I always have. I have experienced God's presence and power in those things over and over.

Considering a sabbatical changes all that. I don't know what I am getting into. I am excited but a little fearful in wnat God may teach me about me. Maybe when you and I face uncertainty it is because we have to confront (in practice) what we say we believe: I am completely dependent on God for everything, my life, my plans, my health, my church. I am completely dependent on God for ... everything.

One thing I pray I learn during this time away is give up the notion that I am in control. I am ok with that because he is good. Speaking to Israel, God says:

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deut 31:8

God has not changed. He is with us in every uncertainty. I want to walk into next week knowing that in my uncertainty, God is certain. May you walk in that truth too.