WOUNDED HEALER

 The world is not as it should be, and neither am I.

The past few weeks have been pretty tough on many people. On a national level, the church has felt the weight of a martyr with the shocking assassination of Charlie Kirk. Even in my church a young man passed away this week. This was sudden and I know that many in my church are stuggling with this, not to mention his family who lost a son.

The events of the past week shook us. I noticed I began to cry uncontrollably. Maybe you have felt like this too? This lack of composure wasn't only because of the events this week, but it was cumulative. It was the emotional stress of 45 years of ministry that I have, admittedly, buried in a very unhealthy way to appear more “professional.” I wonder how often we bury the hurt and pain so we won't feel it or to keep a false smile on our faces. For me, all the pain that I have taken on, the pain others have felt, my own personal sufferings and betrayals, the anger that I pushed down that should have been expressed in a healthy way, the times that I simply wanted to burst out and cry with someone but had to push it down deep so I could function in a way that would serve them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that any of these things I did are good, nor are they healthy at all.

What I am trying to say is that time away from ministry has opened my eyes to a burden that pastors have that we are not even aware of ourselves. We run on adrenaline 24/7 to keep doing ministry, convincing ourselves we are serving God with our whole lives and with excellence. And while that may be our heart, it's not what God desires. This is the whole point of a sabbatical: to develop a rhythm in life so we don't burn ourselves out or run on adrenaline until we eventually have a heart attack. This is not just speculation. Just do a little research on illnesses that are stress-related to pastoral ministry. We are not a healthy section of society, and we make excuses that sound spiritual when, in reality, they are far from what Jesus wants for us.

I suspect that this problem is not unique to pastors though it may manifest in different ways. How many of us run on adrenaline at work pushing ourselves for that extra buck or promotion? Maybe we convince ourselves that this is what our family needs or what will make me successful in the eyes of the world. The result is not different if we are doing these things because we say we love God, our family or want to be the best we can be. That life is not wnat Jesus wants for us. He promised abundant life, not a busy life. Sometimes we need others to tell us that our sprituality is not very spiritual ay all.

I was reminded of a previous time in ministry when I was under so much stress that I ended up spending a week in the hospital. Technically, I had diverticulitis, but they couldn't find any specific causes for it outside of the stress I was under. Since then, over 10 years ago, I have not had diverticulitis. I certainly don't want to experience that again, and I really want to serve the Lord in a way that is healthy and filled with His power, rather than my ability. So, I took the advice that I often give to others when they feel overwhelmed by life or confused by the circumstances they are going through: Go get some counseling.

I am one counseling session in. There were no great epiphanies. There was no greater understanding or information that I didn't already know. Yet, the very process of talking out these things with a person who has gone through some of the same stuff is liberating. Every human being is broken and wounded. We are broken and wounded by the stuff that happens to us because of the brokenness in our world. We are broken when we choose to sin against God by not applying the principles He has given us for our lives and thus become part and parcel of an increasingly broken life.

We are all broken and wounded, and though I have been called to serve God full-time, I still sometimes choose to embrace my brokenness rather than the abundant life that Jesus offers us. Pray for me and I will pray for you.

Yet, this truism doesn't get us off the hook as leaders in the church. It doesn't mean that we don't serve people with everything that we have. It doesn't mean that we ignore our pain, suffering, and hurt. It doesn’t mean that we don’t strive to love and sacrifice, treating others over self (Philippians 2:3-4). It means that we recognize that we are both wounded and called to heal. It means that we have to be balanced in our lives. Serving God with all that we have AS HE LEADS US. This is the key: To discern When God is leading me from when I am taking on things on my own. One leads to burnout the other to fruitfulness. One leads to dispair the other to life.

These past weeks have been bad for so many. We see the brokenness in the world. We see the havoc sin brings to the world. Maybe we’ve seen the ugliness in our own hearts that has been brought to the surface because of these recent events. The world is not as it should be, and neither am I.

So, I will continue with the counseling because I need to learn more about myself through the eyes of another who is broken, just like me. I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to be the most effective wounded healer that I can be, pointing others to the Great Healer who was wounded for me.

He was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds, we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:5-6)